February 2009
4 posts
My game was wrecked by Bush! By Barack Obama →
The reviews are in from my first State of the Union address, and frankly I’m a little disappointed. Some right-wingnuts are saying I was too partisan, blaming Bush for a trillion-dollar deficit I…
It's getting hot in here By Barack Obama →
Thanks, David Axelrod. The secret is out. I’m an out-and-proud energy hog!I like to show off my trim, athletic figure, so no suit coat for me. I’m also from Hawaii, as my chief advisor so astutely…
To whom ever takes care of the dirty deeds, By... →
I didn’t know who to direct this to; things have been kind of hectic lately, what with me becoming President of the United States of America and all.You hold back a lot of emotions, mostly rage, when…
A mulligan for cabinet scofflaws By Barack Obama →
My fellow Americans—everybody is entitled to make a mistake. Or two.First, I pick a Treasury Secretary who doesn’t pay $34,000 in taxes, and thinks summer camp is deductible. This is going to make…
January 2009
4 posts
I'm not just tough, I'm semi-tough. By Barack... →
Spare me, please, the crocodile tears of former Bush torture-master John Yoo in yesterday’s Wall Street Journal. Just because I shut down Guantanamo Bay, all of a sudden I’m a softy. Puh-lease!Has…
Send the Gitmo prisoners to the South Side! By... →
Jesus H. Freaking Christ—first day on the job and the fawning adulation has already stopped! Where’s the love?I’ve got tough decisions to make, like where to put the prisoners if I shut down…
Smoke 'em if you got 'em! By Barack Obama →
My fellow Americans:Today marks the final step in a long and difficult march to freedom. For smokers.For too long, people like me have been forced to stand outside in the cold and the rain in order…
Well, why shouldn't summer camp be deductible? By... →
I’m getting flack from conservatives for nominating Timothy Geithner—try saying that five times fast—to be Secretary of the Treasury.All because he didn’t pay his taxes for 2001. Or 2002. Or ‘03….
December 2008
8 posts
I admit it--I'm a Vulcan By Barack Obama →
By now, you’ve heard all the rumors. I’m a Muslim—not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not an American—not that there’s anything so hot about that. I’m a radical, I’m a smoker, I dribble…
I admit it--I'm a Vulcan By Barack Obama →
By now, you’ve heard all the rumors. I’m a Muslim—not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not an American—not that there’s anything so hot about that. I’m a radical, I’m a smoker, I dribble…
It's settled: "Love Train" is the new national... →
I may not be president yet, but rest assured, I’m working hard with my staff to ensure a smooth, historical, and totally “mac” inauguration and transition.We huddled over the weekend to go over a few…
I am not a metrosexual! By Barack Obama →
I want people to know that I am shocked and appalled by the excerpts from taped conversations that have come to light in the past few days.And I don’t mean Rod Blagokielbasa, or whatever his name is….
I am not a metrosexual! By Barack Obama →
I want people to know that I am shocked and appalled by the excerpts from taped conversations that have come to light in the past few days.And I don’t mean Rod Blagokielbasa, or whatever his name is….
Other things I left in Chicago that are for sale.... →
Okay, a great big “gotcha” about my Senate seat being for sale by Rod Blajkov, er, Blogavej … the Governor of Illinois.I lived in Chicago—what did you expect? A League of Women Voters silent…
Other things I left in Chicago that are for sale.... →
Okay, a great big “gotcha” about my Senate seat being for sale by Rod Blajkov, er, Blogavej … the Governor of Illinois.I lived in Chicago—what did you expect? A League of Women Voters silent…
So what if I'm late to my own inauguration By... →
By now, you’ve probably heard the same rumors I have. If I exercise my prerogative as the first African-American president to arrive late to my own inauguration, there will be an attempted…
November 2008
7 posts
Did I say no lobbyists? I meant "Yo, lobbyists!"... →
Okay, there’s been a slight change in plans. I know I said during the campaign that “Lobbyists would not work in my White House!”It was a real crowd pleaser, like when Kool & the Gang finally…
Did I say no lobbyists? I meant "Yo, lobbyists!"... →
Okay, there’s been a slight change in plans. I know I said during the campaign that “Lobbyists would not work in my White House!”It was a real crowd pleaser, like when Kool & the Gang finally…
I am not the second black president! By Barack... →
You may have read a newspaper column the other day by Dick Morris—remember him? The Presidential advisor with the foot fetish?Anyway, Foot Lickin’ Dick says I’m like the second black president…
Let's face it: chicks can't handle money By Barack... →
As I prepare to take office, I’m assembling a world-class team of Democratic Party retreads from past administrations who’ve been fired by investment banks or got bored running major universities.The…
Let's face it: chicks can't handle money By Barack... →
As I prepare to take office, I’m assembling a world-class team of Democratic Party retreads from past administrations who’ve been fired by investment banks or got bored running major universities.The…
Anyone else get blitzed last night? By Barack... →
Oh man. The Founding Fathers had some serious foresight when they created the lame duck period between election day and inauguration. I’m not sure I’ll be recover from this headache until January…
Anyone else get blitzed last night? By Barack... →
Oh man. The Founding Fathers had some serious foresight when they created the lame duck period between election day and inauguration. I’m not sure I’ll be recover from this headache until January…
October 2008
6 posts
I admit it: I like America (the band) By Barack... →
Well, the right-wing sleaze machine has finally uncovered my Achilles’ heel. The deep, dark secret from my past that could keep me from becoming the first Hussein to be president of a country other…
I admit it: I like America (the band) By Barack... →
Well, the right-wing sleaze machine has finally uncovered my Achilles’ heel. The deep, dark secret from my past that could keep me from becoming the first Hussein to be president of a country other…
I could kiss anybody I want By Barack Obama →
Quick, name someone I can’t kiss? Seriously, just name one person I couldn’t kiss. They have to be alive though, and not like, in a nuclear submarine that’s running silent or some bullshit like…
I could kiss anybody I want By Barack Obama →
Quick, name someone I can’t kiss? Seriously, just name one person I couldn’t kiss. They have to be alive though, and not like, in a nuclear submarine that’s running silent or some bullshit like…
Last night's debate was boring By Barack Obama →
All the pundits are scratching their heads trying to come up with how to spin the debate into the most game-changing storyline they can. But the truth is, it was lame America.The town hall format…
Last night's debate was boring By Barack Obama →
All the pundits are scratching their heads trying to come up with how to spin the debate into the most game-changing storyline they can. But the truth is, it was lame America.The town hall format…
September 2008
2 posts
I'm not playing the gender card; I'm playing the... →
People are demanding that I apologize for my lipstick on a pig analogy that I used to describe Palin. The McCain camp is alleging that I’m playing the gender card. I think it’s quite clear that I’m…
No fair! I'm the change candidate By Barack Obama →
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August 2008
3 posts
I speak so well By Barack Obama →
Did you catch my speech last night? I would give myself a 8.7. The deductions occurring because the Obamatopia I laid out for America didn’t cause anyone to physically leave their feet and float into…
Biden's job is to make me look good By Barack... →
People are asking me, “Why did you choose Joe Biden to be your running mate? Isn’t he the guy who was surprised you were clean and bright and articulate?” Well yes, but, that’s not the point. The job…
Wanna know my VP? Check my Twitter By Barack Obama →
The big news of course isn’t which white guy I’m going to pick (Evan or Joe something or other), but the method we’re letting supporters know: Before the papers report it, we’re gonna hit you up with…
July 2008
4 posts
You're right McCain, politics has never been a... →
There’s a new ad out by McCain criticizing how much people like me and want me to be president…Those deafening chants of my name and the packed Washington Monument lawn sure seems like a mandate to…
Plenty of funny things about this guy! By Barack... →
There has been a lot of talk recently about how no one can seem to find a joke (or at least a tasteful one … New Yorker, I’m looking at you) to make about Mr. Democratic Nominee. How can that be…
I never thought New Yorker cartoons were funny By... →
You know, it’s one thing to be the victim of a cruel media attack by some conservative wing-nut publication, but now I have to look out for—The New Yorker? What a great idea, David Remnick. Put me…
You'd vote for McCain because of his pets? By... →
You know, sometimes I just can’t catch a break. Except from the news media and the people who’ve given $300 million to my campaign.A new AP-Yahoo poll shows me trailing John McCain by 5 points among…
June 2008
4 posts
I know what delicious treat James Dobson won't be... →
Okay, the gloves are off now. (Unless you’re a food service worker or a proctologist.)Religious fundamentalist James Dobson, a cat’s paw of a lap dog for John McCain, has said I have a “fruitcake…
Do not believe internet rumors except for what's... →
I launched a site today to debunk myths that have been flying around. Because the best place to debunk internet rumors is a website. And the type of people who believe these myths are tech savvy…
You cut me deep, Dan Boren By Barack Obama →
Apparently, Representative Dan Boren doesn’t endorse me for president.Well, I’m glad CNN ran that story because, frankly, I’d never heard of Dan Boren before.I hope he’s happy, though. He finally got…
Why I hate Hillary Clinton supporters By Barack... →
Lost in all the hubbub about seating the Florida and Michigan delegates, today’s end of the primary season, my being only 35 delegates away from formally clinching the nomination, and, oh yeah,…
May 2008
9 posts
An open letter to my body man, Reggie Love By... →
It’s time we had a talk, Reggie, man to body man. I’ve learned a lot from you, about Jay-Z, basketball, and what “sizurp” is, and I’d like to think that you’ve grown a lot in the months you’ve been…
Ever notice how everyone who works at a bank is a... →
I’m down here in Boca to start the process of selecting the man or woman who, if I’m elected, will serve as my vice president. And what better place to begin than the American Bankers Association’s…
I WIN!!!!!! But I can't really say that By Barack... →
No matter what happens in today’s primaries, America, I will emerge from them with the undisputed (unless you’re a woman who doesn’t understand math) majority in the pledged delegate count.Now I know…
Barack and John: a Bromance Story By Barack Obama →
Good to have you on board, John-boy! Seriously, this is pretty awesome, though I can’t say it’s a total shocker.Don’t tell anyone, but John’s endorsement has been privately in my pocket for months….
Finally something good -- I think By Barack Obama →
Last night, after I gave a fantastic speech in Raleigh, Michelle and I went back to our hotel, weary yet satisfied. And when I closed my eyes for some much needed sleep for the first time in months…
Judgment Day... again By Barack Obama →
Who’s ready for another anti-climactic day of primaries?! I guess I am. Today Indiana and North Carolina hold the last two Democratic primaries that matter (from what I’m told) and if I can win…
Judgment Day... again By Barack Obama →
Who’s ready for another anti-climactic day of primaries?! I guess I am. Today Indiana and North Carolina hold the last two Democratic primaries that matter (from what I’m told) and if I can win…
Now when I talk policy, I go on Letterman and... →
Back in January I went on the Late Show with David Letterman and delivered the “Top Ten Barack Obama Campaign Promises”. It was a lot of fun and a much needed respite from the grueling campaign…